My Fellow Americans

Good Evening My Fellow Americans:


It is under good advisement that I, Elyse Poland, AKA. Oh Wise One, have decided to run for President of the United States of America.


This decision has been weighing heavy on my heart recently, so after many discussions with trusted colleagues, the spirits, family, gentle creatures of the land, and friends I have decided that the country would be in a much better state if I were in charge.


The plethora of debates that have occurred between the current candidates has left the American public wanting. Enough about how to kill the cow, just kill it already. I want some dadgum steak. All the rhetoric being flaunted has shown nothing but good speech writing. I will be hiring Ben Stein as my head writer. And while their words may be inspiring to some, I am left looking for the silver lining. Oh lordy! here comes the rapture.


This public announcement is to present myself as the silver lining. In the rain storm that is our political system, I shall be a beacon of hope, a ray of sunshine, the pot of gold at the end of the fricking rainbow! I will right the wrongs that have unjustly graced our nation, abolish the IRS, and save the rainforest. Oh wait that's another nation. I will reduce our dependancy on oil, get us out of Iraq and into Afghanistan and Pakistan, and save the lemurs while I'm at it.


Gun control? Teach your kids the proper usage and respect for a rifle. Censorship? Teach your kids to be respectful of others and what they hear on TV won't be repeated. Sex Education? Quit being prudes and open up to your kids no matter how embarrassing it is to you and them.


If you still wonder where I stand regarding the important issues such as health care, social security, the economy, or the endangered whales, please contact my very handsome yet extremely under-qualified assistant, Todd. He will get back with you in a timely manner.


Until the blessed day arrives, take care of yourselves and each other. God Bless!