But I did everything right!

I am consumed by inadequacy. My husband, Will, and I have been trying to start a family for 18 months now. I realize that's not that long if I look at some other peoples' struggles, but I can't help but see those who got pregnant by accident, those who decided to start a family and then a month later find out they are pregnant. Facebook is a horrible thing when you get to be my age. Half of the people you know are putting pictures of sonograms and newborns on their pages and when you are struggling its tough to scroll past. Of course I feel happy for them. I'm glad they have this joy. Their announcement isn't a slap in my face specifically, but it still has that "keeping up with the Jones'" aspect. But I see kids getting pregnant without meaning to and feel like a complete failure. 

We've had the tests ran. While I show no abnormalities in my blood work or uterus, I still have infrequent or inconsistent ovulations, even though I have regular periods. Will has provided two samples that have shown his swimmers are bountiful and normal, but slow. So my eggs are hiding, and Will's swimmers don't want to go anywhere. Our next step is to see a reproductive specialist, and so far from the research we'll move forward with me on fertility drugs(?) and Intrauterine Insemination, IUI. This is not at all how I pictured it. 

Of course I never really truly pictured how my family would start, but I always assumed it wouldn't be aided by anything else or so clinical. Right now, it seems so impersonal. I know that no matter how we do start a family, it will be in love, even in a clinical setting. But I can't help but grieve for my previous expectations. It seems that's all I can do anymore is grieve. I try and fail everyday with finding something that brings me any joy or distraction. I feel like there is this weight on me that I can't shake. My body is made for giving life, but mine is incapable it seems. I'm angry with the universe. I did envy thing right. I went to school, got 2 degrees, got married, all in the right order. So when my husband and I decided to have a child, it should have happened then. I can do anything I put my mind to. Yeah, right. 

So, I turn to the internet. I need to vent and process and grieve. I can only go over the same emotions so many times with my husband before he gets tired of it. 

It's been a STRESSFUL week.

My family has a curse. While we don't have conclusive scientific proof of it, my family seems to have a "pre-disposition for a mutation of the cells."  Those were the words from my grandmother's doctor 10 years ago. 

My great-grandmother, Gram we call her, died of uterine cancer when I was 3/4 years old. I have maybe 2 vivid memories of her and one is truly vivid because of pictures that support the actual fuzziness. She and her husband bought the farm in the Dirty '30's when land was, heehee, dirt cheap. It was here that our family, this awkward, out-spoken, opinionated, laughter filled family that I was raised in starts. It was this farm where I played and worked as a kid.  Every Saturday in July, we were in the corn fields at the butt crack of dawn. When it got too hot, we'd stop picking and move to the big tree for cleaning, cooking, and storing all the corn we had picked. It was this farm that raised generations of strong women that I strive every day to make proud and become. It was this farm that gave us our roots and our sweat or tear filled bonds of family. (See the picture for the actual connections)

When I was young, 5 or 6 ish, Jeanie began her fight with breast cancer, and eventually lost the battle when I was 15. That year, 2001, I attended 13 funerals. Mostly older family members who had lived a long full life, some friends' family, and a classmate. It was Jeanie's that affected me most lastingly. Because her funeral was the first time I saw the women in my family for what they truly are: strong, self-sufficient angels who embodied the famous British saying "Keep Calm and Carry On."  It was then in the middle of mass that I realized that these women are the legacy I was born into and must become. It was then that I took my first steps into that womanhood. 

When I was in middle school, Nana was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was around that time that genetic testing had become available on a consumer scale though still with a hefty price tag. A few of the women had the test ran specifically for BRCA which came back negative. We were surprised but thankful. She fought for 5(?) years before she joined Jeanie my senior year of high school. I still remember the exact moment she passed. I was in Mrs. Rasp's English class supposed to be taking a test, but I dozed off instead. I felt an overwhelming compulsion to lay my head down, so I did. And I dreamt. In this dream, Nana came to me and said goodbye and told me it was my turn to take care of them. I awoke with tears in my eyes  to Mrs. Rasp patting my back telling me my mom was on her way to get me. I knew. I knew before mom told me. The secretary let her come to the classroom to get me instead of sending the aid, and I hugged my mom, and we cried in the hallway of my high school.  Then I took my new role of support staff. I kept tissues handy, made calls to extended family so immediate could process, grieve and plan the funeral. I rifled through hymns, kept track of people coming and going and who brought what. I learned to anticipate the needs of others around me and tried to be intuitive to them so they didn't have to ask. 

Around the time Jeanie died is when Gramma was diagnosed with a cancer so rare it didn't have a name. To this day, all I know is it was a type of lymphoma. She suffered for only 3 years before she passed away. I was in Lubbock, having the time of my life my freshman year of college, and I wasn't there to see her deteriorate. I wasn't there in my role of support staff prior to her passing. Once I got home for Christmas, I knew how dire the situation was and didn't truly go back to school until 2 weeks into the next semester. I had friends that came to the hospital before she passed and friends that came to her wake and funeral after while I helped my mom plan the funeral, but I was neither the obviously grieving nor the support staff this time. I was in limbo and didn't know my role. I still feel the guilt of not being there before. When and if I pray, I don't pray to God. I pray to her. I ask for her forgiveness, guidance, and watchful eye. I began to question if I had the stuff in me that made her so strong. 

During this time, my mom and Suzi both had scares and benign tumors removed from different areas of their bodies. Jessi and myself have both had lumps found in our breasts that turned out to just be fibrous tissue that needs to be monitored regularly. I learned I have the strains of HPV that cause cervical cancer and thus am being seen regularly for prevention sake. 

Then 2-3 years ago, my uncle was diagnosed with renal lymphoma. Prior to this we had all assumed that it had something to do with chemicals on the farm. Mike being diagnosed surprised us. He got off the farm early, and he was a he. Our previous hypothesis was kinda shot to hell. During this time i got engaged at his house; my husband and I were married by him. But now here we are, Labor Day weekend and the family is descending for what seems to be the last weeks(hopefully) he has. He's had 2-3 emergency surgeries this week that have left him doing better than expected but we are all working around to the conclusion that this is it. It's just time that we are biding. 

This time I'm back in my role of support staff. I'm designated driver, gopher, and all around runner. This time around I know I am becoming the woman I looked up to so many years ago. I just hope one day that I have a daughter that is lucky enough to see and remember her MiMi and the woman she is. I hope one day to pass on this legacy of strong women that carry the world on their shoulders with dignity and grace. I know that at some time in my life this damned disease will claim me, so all I can do until then is aim for that same legacy and hope I make the rest of them proud. 

Slow Going Progress

So I've finally gotten back to working on the house. Not hardcore by any means but actually work on the house not furniture or art to put in the house. The bathroom that became the headache of the summer is starting to look like something to be proud of. There are real walls and paint on those walls now. 

Obviously there are places that still need work. The shower for example still needs to be tiled as well as the floor and the little half wall. I also need to repaint the cabinets but that's just one afternoon of work. 

I was going to paint this bathroom white with white tile, black granite counters and some smoky black glass accent tiles, but Will wanted color. He complained about the gray in the guest bath room even though there is some really pretty purple accents in it. So I mimicked our bedroom colors since this has been made into a true ensuite. I can't wait to see this bathroom done. Slowly, bit by bit, it'll get there. 

While You Were Sleeping...

That has become my new favorite phrase it seems. My husband is on night float at the moment, which means he works 14 hour nights, 5pm to 7am. I don't see him very much right now. It's ok. That's part of why he loves me, because I'm not very high maintenance and can occupy myself while he becomes a zombie for a couple weeks. So yesterday when he woke up I showed him the coffee table/ottoman i had bought at Canton Trade Days. See below. Today when he woke up I showed him the 3 end tables and one coffee table I refinished. I say refinished, more refurbished. See 2 of them below. These two are for nightstands in the guest bedroom. I think I did a pretty dad gum good job. 

Semi-Professional Help

My father in law and his friend came into town a couple days ago and are leaving in the morning bright and early. Is the master bath fully completed?  No. Not by a long shot. But it is at a point where I know what the hell I'm doing. So it's complete enough. See below.  

Two rooms, the formal living and dining room have floors. It can now be arranged and decorated to look like a home!!!!  It has me really excited because it looks really good. See below. The kitchen and den has crown molding again. The doors have been trimmed out as well as one window. 

It's really starting to look like a house. Pretty soon it will be a home. Yay!

Before:

During:

Before:

After:

Lessons from a NEW Homeowner

Lessons for hiring a contractor:

When someone says they found them on Craigslist, JUST SAY NO. Craigslist is 5 years past its prime and is now reserved for lonely hearts and serial killers. 

When you go ahead and hire him and your obnoxiously friendly dog growls at him, fire him. Dogs are the best judge of character in the 'verse. 

If for some reason you decide to stick with it, never, ever agree to any contract that asks for money before the job is done. Even if you are being bullied by the guy into signing, even if the price is really good. Never agree to this. I knew it but for some reason decided to sign anyway. 

If said contractor brings his dog and chains him in your front yard without asking, fire him. Highly unprofessional. I'm a dog person, but if I hired you to do a job, you conduct yourself as a professional and not some guy living in a van down by the river!

If you still decide to stick with said asshat, remember to be kind but firm. If you acquiesce, one time, the asshat will regard you as a pushover forcing you to assert yourself and look likes bitch for standing up for your home. 

We hired this guy to renovate and remodel our master bathroom. We agreed to 14 days and an amount. The payment schedule was broken down as 45% down, 45% upon demo and 10% upon completion. I thought that was a little crazy, but it needed to be done. During this time, he was Tiling the tub in the guest bathroom, and kept finding things he said he would just throw in for free. On day 18, he wasn't finished with the guest bathroom and demo'd the master. I said I wasn't comfortable paying him til at least one was fully completed. We got into a shouting match and came to an agreement that if he finished the guest I would stick with the contract. He hastily finished I paid him and haven't seen him. Today is day 23 and he has told us that he is not coming back and would send us an invoice of the work he provided. We've already paid him 90% of the agreed upon price and only demo'd the contracted work. I'm absolutely livid!  I know I made mistakes in this process, at least 5 as you read above, come on!  He claims I broke the contract and won't tell me how. I did no such thing. 

Luckily, my father in law and his friend are coming down tomorrow, originally to help put in floors, but now to do plumbing, framing, mold eradication, electric, drywall, and pour the slab on top of the sub floor. Then I can paint and we can hire a highly recommended from a trusted source tile guy. Floors will just be put off for another week or so. Which is fine. I'm just upset about the money. 

So for now, to lower my blood pressure, I'm watching Harry Potter and having a few or so Straw-ber-Rita's. 

Project Renovation

 Will and I just moved to Tyler, TX a month and a half ago. While I should have been blogging the whole time about the process, there are snippets on Facebook that show progress. I have way more before pictures right now than after pictures because nothing is fully completed. But it's getting there. Slowly!

This room is the 'man cave.'  

3! Count 'em, 3! Different types of vinyl tiles!  

It is much more finished now, but it is a mess since Will has started claiming it. Thats why there is not a picture of a fully finished room yet. But with furniture and stuff on the walls it definitely looks like a room that is functional. 

The half bath off of the man cave. 

There was only one layer of wallpaper on these walls but it was really glued on. But now it looks like this. 

The laundry room didn't need a whole lot of work, just paint, floors and organization. And a washer and dryer, but that's not a whole lot of elbow grease. 

It definitely has become a whole lot more functional and lived in in the last week. And there's plenty more to do. Add baskets for organization and some pretties on the wall to soften the blankness. 

The kitchen is by far my most favorite transformation. We decided to keep the existing cabinets but update them with a coat or two or four of paint. We changed out the laminate countertops and backsplash for granite and tile. Luckily, the three layers of wall paper up top can off without any effort at all. We literally just tugged and the whole thing came down. 

See what I mean!?!?!?  It looks a thousand times better. It's not quite finished yet. Needs trim and quarter round to finish it off properly but I love it!

The den or family room whatever you want to call it also had a drastic makeover.  It took elbow grease that's for sure and time. We even had to hunt down an AC vent that got covered with drywall and cut it out after the fact, but it was surprisingly easier than expected. 

With all the wood paneling gone, the brass fireplace insert doesn't bother me as much. Still want to do something about it but its not an eyesore any longer. And the red brick balances all the blue instead of having overpowering reddish browns in a main living space. 

The formal living room and dining room didn't have too many before pictures, because well they didn't require a lot of work. Carpets, up and paint on the walls.  But my what a difference it makes. 

These will probably be the last two rooms to be completed because they are the least used. Well right now they are used for storage of items yet to go in rooms that are being worked on. But as you can see I did add some homey touches. 

The hallway to the bedrooms doesn't require much, but pulling up carpet, paint and flooring.  Only two of which are done. But we did change out the light fixture which changed the look and we figured out how to work the switches. Old houses are wired so weird. 

The guest bathroom has been the headache from hell!!!  Plumbing problems, half assed jobs before us and some of our free labor. But look, a dark, dingy bathroom that should be complete one week from today. This room wasn't demo'd properly, so the reno was patching a half assed job in the first place. We put the tile up ourselves in the bathroom and it looked horrible. We did all the other tile in the house and it looked great, but in this tub, we would've had trouble reselling the house later down the road. 

After all the trouble and headaches this room caused we broke down and hired a guy to redo the bathrooms completely. It is definitely more than I want to pay, but then I always only ever want to pay $50 for anything. But what we are paying is an extremely good price for what we are getting. 

Things are progressing and like I said, in one week we will have a fully functional bathroom while the master bath is being done. That one I can't wait for. 

The office is not close at all to being done but is getting there. First person to label that color correctly will win a high five!!

Like I said, still needs a lot of work. 

This the before of our bedroom but all three bedrooms are the same. So when we get to the guest room imagine the same boring as below. 

Now we just need floors and I need to refinish the nightstands and then DONE!

Guest bedroom:

The master bath looks basically the same just in a bit of disarray. But it is definitely being changed by the end of the month.