There was a certain man of Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham son of Elihu son of Tohu son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. He had two wives; the name of the one was Hannah, and the name of the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children.
Now this man used to go up year by year from his town to worship and to sacrifice to the Lord of hosts at Shiloh, where the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were priests of the Lord. On the day when Elkanah sacrificed, he would give portions to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters; but to Hannah he gave a double portion, because he loved her, though the Lord had closed her womb. Her rival used to provoke her severely, to irritate her, because the Lord had closed her womb. So it went on year by year; as often as she went up to the house of the Lord, she used to provoke her. Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat. Her husband Elkanah said to her, “Hannah, why do you weep? Why do you not eat? Why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?”
After they had eaten and drunk at Shiloh, Hannah rose and presented herself before the Lord. Now Eli the priest was sitting on the seat beside the doorpost of the temple of the Lord. She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord, and wept bitterly. She made this vow:“O Lord of hosts, if only you will look on the misery of your servant, and remember me, and not forget your servant, but will give to your servant a male child, then I will set him before you as a nazirite until the day of his death. He shall drink neither wine nor intoxicants, and no razor shall touch his head.”
As she continued praying before the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying silently; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard; therefore Eli thought she was drunk. So Eli said to her, “How long will you make a drunken spectacle of yourself? Put away your wine.” But Hannah answered, “No, my lord, I am a woman deeply troubled; I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have been pouring out my soul before the Lord. Do not regard your servant as a worthless woman, for I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation all this time.” Then Eli answered, “Go in peace; the God of Israel grant the petition you have made to him.” And she said, “Let your servant find favor in your sight.” Then the woman went to her quarters, ate and drank with her husband, and her countenance was sad no longer.
I miscarried today. I didn't have proof positive that I was pregnant before it happened. I'm sure many would've thought that it was just a tough or weird period. But we've been trying to get pregnant for 18 months now and I know my body really well. I knew a day or two after we conceived that I was pregnant. Call it intuition. I'm not sure how, but I just knew. So I started acting like I was. No caffeine. No alcohol. You know the normal steps. I even upped my folic acid intake to the recommended dose for pregnant women. Whereas I had been taking half of that. I didn't get too much of my hopes up because like I said, we've been trying unsuccessfully for 18 months. So yesterday I peed on a stick and it said negative. I didn't think anything of it because, again, 18 months. But then I started my period today. Or so I thought.
Without getting too graphic, I started noticing signs that aren't normal for my periods. My temperature dropped by a degree which is a big deal when trying to get pregnant; discharge was significantly different, and cramps were worse than normal. After the event itself, my cramping stopped almost immediately. So I did what any sane person would do and turned to the internet. I needed an idea of what could be happening before I bugged my husband while he was busy catching babies on OB call. When I described everything to him and gave him what I thought was happening(miscarriage), he agreed with me. And then he began to cry. That's when it actually hit me of what was happening, what this meant for us in our journey to start a family. Suddenly, I felt Hannah's despair.
I always felt for Hannah. I sympathized for her and never thought that I would need comfort from her story. I knew it was a good story for those going thru something similar. Again, I never thought it would be me. But tonight, I find myself rereading the passage above. Hannah's story is something more to me now. So much so that I almost feel it appropriate to name my first child Samuel. But who knows when that will be. So for now, I'll cry. I'll mourn the loss of the potential and hope for the potential still there.
