We've had the tests ran. While I show no abnormalities in my blood work or uterus, I still have infrequent or inconsistent ovulations, even though I have regular periods. Will has provided two samples that have shown his swimmers are bountiful and normal, but slow. So my eggs are hiding, and Will's swimmers don't want to go anywhere. Our next step is to see a reproductive specialist, and so far from the research we'll move forward with me on fertility drugs(?) and Intrauterine Insemination, IUI. This is not at all how I pictured it.
Of course I never really truly pictured how my family would start, but I always assumed it wouldn't be aided by anything else or so clinical. Right now, it seems so impersonal. I know that no matter how we do start a family, it will be in love, even in a clinical setting. But I can't help but grieve for my previous expectations. It seems that's all I can do anymore is grieve. I try and fail everyday with finding something that brings me any joy or distraction. I feel like there is this weight on me that I can't shake. My body is made for giving life, but mine is incapable it seems. I'm angry with the universe. I did envy thing right. I went to school, got 2 degrees, got married, all in the right order. So when my husband and I decided to have a child, it should have happened then. I can do anything I put my mind to. Yeah, right.
So, I turn to the internet. I need to vent and process and grieve. I can only go over the same emotions so many times with my husband before he gets tired of it.
