my soul's journey

To let go of the fear and anger which imprisons my heart,
To relinquish all childish expectations and live joyfully in the world as it is - not as I wish or imagine it to be,
To be free of the always craven and ever-craving ego,
To be released from the endless hungers of the body,
To see God in others,
To see God in everything,
To die without death and merge the conscientiousness into the cosmic sea of bliss from which it came,
This is my soul's journey.

Happiness is...

I've found so many quotes recently that have spoken to my reawakened heart. Jane Austen wrote in Sense and Sensibility, "It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;-- it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others."  I also found, "Be so happy that when others look at you they become happy too."  


If you haven't caught on yet, I am in love.  I have only been dating this man for almost two months, but it feels as though it has been a lifetime, and we have the opportunity to spend another lifetime together.  Wow! I just read that back to myself and realize how uncharacteristic that statement is of me.  I think I've found the man I am going to marry.  


I can tell him anything that is on my mind.  I can be a dork, nerd, weirdo around him.  He also makes me want to be the sexiest I can, just for him.  He's ambitious, compassionate, helpful, brilliant, dependable, humble, and giving.  He fits the bill, both mine and the one my cousins gave me.  He's tall, handsome, smart, has a nice smile, is completely into me, strong physically and emotionally, attends church, and the fact that he's in medical school doesn't hurt at all.  My cousins required that my future spouse/partner/etc... be tall, athletic, smart, smart ass, out-spoken, and a poker player.  Again, I say, he fits both bills.  


Because of him, I want to achieve more.  I want to do good in the world, and I feel like I can now.  I know I could before, but now it's like the possibilities and opportunities are endless.  My mind never strays far from him.  I am bewitched, bothered, and bewildered in the most wonderful sort of way.

Home

As you can tell, I don't write very often on this blog. I typically only write when I feel there is a burden that needs lifting. I've just gotten really good at decompressing everything. Either that or I just forget about it and let everything inside of me fester until I have this unwanted wound that needs to release its puss. Attractive, I know. At this moment in time I really don't have anything to vent about. Yesterday or the day before, oh man did I have a bone to pick with someone. But now today when I have the opportunity to vent about it, I'm already over it. It really makes it difficult to complain to the proper outlets who need to know customer grievances.


Thursday last week, I was in Washington Reagan to fly home. But upon arriving we found out that our flight to Dallas was cancelled. So we tried to find any other connecting flights. We tried for Chicago, so if we ended up stranded we'd at least be able to visit Cole. But that didn't work. So we opted to fly to St. Louis and then on to Wichita, KS where my dad was going to pick us up. Well, we got through all the high security bull shit and go hang out in the terminal until our flight. Well, while waiting our flight is delayed. And delayed again. It was delayed a total of 11 times. At one point our delays finally ceased and we had a definite time of departure. When the plane landed in DC, we were informed that our flight that we had waited for 10 hours was cancelled. But all was not lost.


While we were waiting, I was watching the news, and someone sat down next to me. Now I almost always make friends at some point in time on a trip, in the airport, on the plane, in the queue, etc.. but somehow this time was different. Shortly after the guy sat down I just began talking. About nothing in particular, but it was still different. We ended up talking for something like 4 hours, and I was really sad to see his flight on time. I know it was selfish, but it's true. We had grabbed a couple of beers and continued our conversation right up until he got on the flight. I gave him my full name and number saying if he ever made it through Oklahoma to give me a call.


Well things have gone well since then. He's coming to see me, to float the river with my friends and I. I'm kinda nervous and excited. He changed his vacation plans for me. I've not known anyone to do that.

It's been quite a while since I've written anything. It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining; the birds are singing, and the wind is blowing like crazy!!! Gotta love springtime in Oklahoma. It's just a regular day and the winds are reaching speeds of 50 miles an hour. It's ridiculous.


I am so not a writer. That's my brother's job. I just learned he's moving to Chicago in a month. I don't wanna lose my brother! Ok I know I won't lose him but still. It's a big move and if I'm moving to Dallas that's a really long distance. We already don't talk on the phone for any reason. What happens when he moves so far away? I'm happy he's actually doing something. I just don't want to lose touch.


I guess that's really all I have.

Sibling relationships - and 80 percent of Americans have at least one - outlast marriages, survive the death of parents, resurface after quarrels that would sink any friendship. They flourish in a thousand incarnations of closeness and distance, warmth, loyalty and distrust. ~Erica E. Goode, "The Secret World of Siblings," U.S. News & World Report, 10 January 1994

The Bears are winning.

I've survived 2 weeks teaching 13 year olds. I haven't gotten more than 6 hours of sleep a night in the last 2 weeks, but I wouldn't do anything else. I love what I'm doing. Sure part time sucks. It makes me have to have a second job, but I truly love teaching. I would love a full time job, but that's going to come next year. I just don't know if it will be at the same school. But more on that later.


Apparently I am the hot new teacher in school. I got to say I'm flattered and enjoy every minute of it, too. Being told that you're beautiful or hot everyday does something for your ego, even if it is from 7th graders. The good part is they realize that they have no chance. The bad part is it makes them fearless. Oh well.


The day I had what was essentially my third interview, I went home and basically broke down. That day just happened to be a culmination of an emotional hurricane. The interview itself brought emotions that I didn't know I was bottling. So when I got home, I broke down. I had been losing my faith. I am of a mind that I am put where God wants me to be. I will listen and go where he wants me. During this breakdown, I cried. Hard. But I also prayed. I ask what God wanted from me. I said I was listening and trying to be where he wants me, but how can I go if I don't know where he wanted me. All I wanted was a direction. I didn't need a destination, just a sign of some sort to say "Hold on, just a bit more." I heard God that day. I heard him clear as a bell say "Take the job, work for Jenifer, then move to Texas in a year." So now I'm waiting and hoping. I'm not waiting and hoping the year passes quickly. I'm waiting on the deciding factor regarding where in Texas I'll move to. Just when i think I'll go to Dallas and live with Lori, Patrick pops back up making me think that I will go to San Antonio. Of course I would love for him to move here, but that's never gonna happen. But then, I was told to move to Texas.


Thankfully, listening to the Big Guy has been fairly fruitful.


Here's to keeping the faith.

My lullaby to you

They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade


How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up


I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you


How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up


As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade


How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up


How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up