Selah

"I am speechless, but I can't keep quiet
And I am wordless, but I can't stay silent"

~Wordless (How Can It Be? ~Lauren Daigle)

I heard these words and it's exactly how I felt in regards to my conscious activity on social media. There have been a lot of words swirling in my brain. I have shared so much of others' words on Facebook that to others it might seem that I have said a lot. I have shared a lot. Information. Opinions. Knowledge. Bias. And I learned my lesson when I engaged with a troll on a comments section once. I know better. I have consumed Facebook voraciously when I know I shouldn't. But my anxiety, my need for more information in this time of uncertainty is driving it. I'm sure I'm annoying my Teacher Squad with my nagging and comments in our text thread but they love me, and I hope they know its all because I love them. During all of it, because of the nature of it, my thoughts are tremendously fragmented. My emotions, like many of us, have been a roller coaster ride. How can I possibly stay calm and sane for my children in the midst of this? How can I be anything but calm and sane for the sake of my children in the midst of all of this? The dichotomy of life right now is as mutable as the virus itself. "Every human being is made up at once of his conscious activity and his irrational experiences." ~ Marcea Eliade Life is just that. It's two fold always. It is a balance between the profane and the sacred, the corporeal and the ethereal, the touchable and the unimaginable, the things we can control and the things we can't.

In between my anxiety and rage cleaning, I've had Lauren Daigle playing via iTunes fairly exclusively. Of course I sing along because she's in my range, and I can belt it out pretty well and singing is really therapeutic for me, but there are two songs in particular that really made me stop and concentrate on the lyrics I was singing. The first one is quoted at the start of this. But there is another one that seems very appropriate for all of us Americans, global citizens that are having difficulties staying put in our homes. For many, I understand that staying put is impossible because how else are we going to feed our families. We have to have income. For quite a few, humanity's entire health and wellness is dependent on them; they have to continue about their normal life at an intensity level that rivals fighter pilots, or so I imagine. But our bigger problem as a whole: we don't know how to rest. We "work hard, play hard." We know how to consume, not enjoy. We binge, we don't watch. We produce, we don't create. I'm just as guilty about this especially after I had kids. I don't paint any longer, nor do I practice yoga like I used to. Hell I don't even breathe like I used to before I had kids. But that's a different rant. En masse, we have produced a society that does not know how to rest. Our economy is completely unable to withstand a period of rest without the prospect of crumbling. We have allowed this. We have built a nation on the breaking backs of our people without providing them with the necessities to simply survive. This pandemic has opened my eyes to the broken constitutional promises within our nation. So the other Lauren Daigle Song...This Girl...

"I've been a winding road, oh, I know You know
Sometimes a stranger in my home
Keep going back and forth through the open door
I'm still learning to be still

This girl ain't going anywhere
This girl ain't going anywhere-ere-ere
I can promise You this, now I know for sure
This girl ain't going anywhere

I've run for miles and lost sight of where You are
But You have seen me all along
Maybe I'm the last to know when I've gone too far
And yet I'm always by Your side

This girl ain't going anywhere
This girl ain't going anywhere-ere-ere
I can promise You this, now I know for sure
This girl ain't going anywhere"

I just imagine multitudes of people in their houses roaming room to room not going anywhere, wandering aimlessly right now, trying to deal with the new normal, whatever that looks like in each house, with all the kids, with no kids, conference calls, silence, Peppa Pig, celebrity story time, or rockstar homeschoolers, learning to be still. 

There have been a lot of ideas floating around about how to fill the time that we've been given. We can't ignore those that suggest introspection, no matter how painful it might be. We are in a unique time in our history of humanity. We have been given the opportunity to pause. Pause. Hmm. This idea of pause is repeating itself too.

My pastor, Rev. Shyloe O'Neal, began our Lenten worship series about Selah a couple of weeks ago, and now we are in the midst of a great pause. Selah? What is Selah? No Kanye didn't coin it. It comes from the Psalms. The best the scholars can interpret it as is a musical pause, a coda, a rest. The Psalms after all are songs of praise and thanksgiving and worship. They weren't written with chapter and verse numbers. Scholars and interpreters added those later. These were meant to be sung. But there are moments of pause, moments to catch our breathe before we rush on and cry out. Pause before we demand change. Pause before we lament our utter bleakness. Pause before we tremble in relief and thanksgiving. 

"I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, that he may hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. I think of God, and I moan; I meditate, and my spirit faints. Selah"

Maybe, just maybe, we humans need to pause because "our lives no longer belong to us alone; they belong to all those who need us desperately." ~Elie Wiesel 

We need each other. Human are hardwired for connection. Isolation is hard. We are experiencing this first hand now. Let's not let this shared experience go to waste. Pause. Breathe. Sit in the silence. When we reemerge, let's shake off the dust bring our dry bones to life.

Another Doctor's Appt

I went back to the fertility specialist today. 

Here's what I thought was going to happen. I thought we were going to go over the results of the MRI I had done a month ago, and he was going to tell us what our options are in moving forward. I thought I was going to get some answers. 

Here's what actually happened. This appointment was just a consultation, a new patient setup. I've already seen this doctor and filled out the appropriate paper work 2 months ago. But now where we go from here is back to square one. This doctor wants to run all the tests we've already had done again. Now I am officially his patient so let's go back to square one. He didn't tell me anything about the results of the MRI. He said that's not why we're here today and we'll discuss it when it becomes an issue. So what the hell did I just have done to me over the last 4 months?  I've fought offices trying to get someone to talk to me and even just set up appointments because no one would ever call me back. I feel like so much time has been wasted and I can't do a thing about it. I feel like my body is betraying me, failing me. I realize I'm not dying and there are worse positions to be in, but I feel like my body is retaliating against me for some unknown mistreatment in past years. I just want some answers. I can't do this unknown cause bullshit. Why?  Why is my body going through this?  What is the issue?  If science can fix it, shouldn't science be able to tell me the why?  

I'm emotionally exhausted. Maybe a cuppa would help. 

AAAAAGH!!!!!

A story from AP Mobile:

Missing Wisconsin infant found alive in Iowa

TOWN OF BELOIT, Wis. (AP) - Police say a newborn missing from a southern Wisconsin home has been found alive at an eastern Iowa gas station. Town of Beloit Police Chief Steven Kopp says an officer checking along an interstate near West Branch, Iowa, found the nearly week-old Kayden Powell on Friday morning. Gas station manager Jay Patel says the baby was found in a closed, gray plastic storage b...

Read Full Story

It's stories like this that upset me me a lot during this difficult time of infertility.  People have children and then lose them like this. You've got to be kidding me. How can such irresponsible people be given lives to care for when there are people like me who want that but can't have it?  Sometimes, this feels like a cruel joke. It feels like the Universe is laughing at me, and I can't figure out what I've done to deserve it. If I don't deserve it then what lesson am I supposed to learn from it?  

I think I might just need a cup of tea now. 

Semi results

I finally heard back from the doctors office today after I called them yesterday. The nurse told me that the doctor was still studying my MRI and that they would call me with the findings as soon as the doctor finished. But they have no idea when that would be, so they couldn't tell me when I'm likely to hear back now. So it was a lot of hurry up and wait. So, we keep waiting. We keep doing what we were doing, and continue trying along the same unproductive path because all the tests we've had run still aren't giving us any answers. It's been 3 months since we first saw the doctor. It's a good thing I don't have a terminal illness. I could've been dead already waiting on doctors to tell me what going on with me. It's only been nineteen months...what's a few more, right?  

Honestly, my biggest scare right now is that it's taking so long because she's finding evidence of cancer. Now, I've been around this disease enough to know that I don't have any symptoms. I have no reason to think that it is a possiblity other than family history and fear. But it is just that...fear. I can't help it. My great grandmother passed of uterine cancer. I have the strain of HPV that causes cervical cancer. I worry that it could be a result of all these tests even though I know better. I worry about the future of my nonexistent family if this is the case. And since I'm just hurrying up and waiting, I'm starting all kinds of hypothetical conversations that really could wait until we are in that particular situation. But I can't help it. 

So maybe soon, I'll have some more answers. Who knows?

More tests

Results of today:

My left Fallopian tube unclear. The right is completely functional. 

Doc wants an MRI to determine which of the two causes it is. 

Two possibilities why the left is like it is. One: it's blocked by rupture, mucus plug, or scar tissue resulting from infection. 

I had an infection about 7-8 yrs ago that went untreated because the dr office was restructuring and I fell thru their cracks.  But at the time I asked about future pregnancies and they wouldn't give me anything more than dunno, maybe. 

If it is just blockage then they do a minimally invasive cleaning of the ducts in Dallas. If that doesn't fix it or prove necessary then they go in thru my belly button to fix my tube scopically. 

The other possiblity is I have a unicornuate uterus which means I have a birth defect where my uterus never fully developed when I was in utero cooking. It means I only have one Fallopian tube. And that there is nothing to do other than try to increase ovulation. 

But if the latter is true our odds of a high risk pregnancy increase greatly.  Our miscarriage rate rises, as does the chances of a baby being born breach or early term.  Or having defects of its own. If it's the latter it also means that it's likely I only have one fully functioning kidney and was born with either a deformed one or only one. As well as other defects in my pelvic organs. 

The doc thinks that the latter is more likely because of what the fluoroscopy showed but wants conclusive proof from the MRI. 

I'm hurt, upset, scared, floored. Prior to today, the tests had all showed that everything was fine just inconsistent ovulation. But now to be told this, I just don't understand. How at 29 years old with regular doctor visits and follow up tests that either of these possibilities were not found already?  Hopefully I will have the MRI soon and will have more answers. 

My Prayer

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'll be the one, if you want me to.

Anywhere I would've followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.

It was over my head

I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

Anywhere I would've followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

And anywhere I would've followed you. Oh-oh-oh-oh

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something...

I know it's a break-up song, but this is my prayer right now. The internal struggle, the impatience, the loss. 

Hannah's Lament

There was a certain man of Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham son of Elihu son of Tohu son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. He had two wives; the name of the one was Hannah, and the name of the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children.

 Now this man used to go up year by year from his town to worship and to sacrifice to the Lord of hosts at Shiloh, where the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were priests of the Lord. On the day when Elkanah sacrificed, he would give portions to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters; but to Hannah he gave a double portion, because he loved her, though the Lord had closed her womb. Her rival used to provoke her severely, to irritate her, because the Lord had closed her womb. So it went on year by year; as often as she went up to the house of the Lord, she used to provoke her. Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat. Her husband Elkanah said to her, “Hannah, why do you weep? Why do you not eat? Why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?”

After they had eaten and drunk at Shiloh, Hannah rose and presented herself before the Lord. Now Eli the priest was sitting on the seat beside the doorpost of the temple of the Lord. She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord, and wept bitterly. She made this vow:“O Lord of hosts, if only you will look on the misery of your servant, and remember me, and not forget your servant, but will give to your servant a male child, then I will set him before you as a nazirite until the day of his death. He shall drink neither wine nor intoxicants, and no razor shall touch his head.”

 As she continued praying before the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying silently; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard; therefore Eli thought she was drunk. So Eli said to her, “How long will you make a drunken spectacle of yourself? Put away your wine.” But Hannah answered, “No, my lord, I am a woman deeply troubled; I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have been pouring out my soul before the Lord. Do not regard your servant as a worthless woman, for I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation all this time.” Then Eli answered, “Go in peace; the God of Israel grant the petition you have made to him.” And she said, “Let your servant find favor in your sight.” Then the woman went to her quarters, ate and drank with her husband, and her countenance was sad no longer.

I miscarried today. I didn't have proof positive that I was pregnant before it happened. I'm sure many would've thought that it was just a tough or weird period. But we've been trying to get pregnant for 18 months now and I know my body really well. I knew a day or two after we conceived that I was pregnant. Call it intuition. I'm not sure how, but I just knew. So I started acting like I was. No caffeine. No alcohol. You know the normal steps. I even upped my folic acid intake to the recommended dose for pregnant women. Whereas I had been taking half of that. I didn't get too much of my hopes up because like I said, we've been trying unsuccessfully for 18 months. So yesterday I peed on a stick and it said negative. I didn't think anything of it because, again, 18 months. But then I started my period today. Or so I thought. 

Without getting too graphic, I started noticing signs that aren't normal for my periods. My temperature dropped by a degree which is a big deal when trying to get pregnant; discharge was significantly different, and cramps were worse than normal. After the event itself, my cramping stopped almost immediately. So I did what any sane person would do and turned to the internet. I needed an idea of what could be happening before I bugged my husband while he was busy catching babies on OB call. When I described everything to him and gave him what I thought was happening(miscarriage), he agreed with me. And then he began to cry. That's when it actually hit me of what was happening, what this meant for us in our journey to start a family. Suddenly, I felt Hannah's despair. 

I always felt for Hannah. I sympathized for her and never thought that I would need comfort from her story. I knew it was a good story for those going thru something similar. Again, I never thought it would be me. But tonight, I find myself rereading the passage above. Hannah's story is something more to me now.  So much so that I almost feel it appropriate to name my first child Samuel. But who knows when that will be. So for now, I'll cry. I'll mourn the loss of the potential and hope for the potential still there.